Mother Russia ♥

With the help of my friend Curtis, I am going to educate you about the ways of Mother Russia.

♥ In Mother Russia, we have tundra. Therefore, we created Soviet program to make people as strong as trees. Now, everywhere in Russia, children are born with +30 to strength and endurance, and +80 resistance to cold.

♥ In Russia, sex is like knife fight. There is struggle, someone stabs, someone screams, there is movement, then someone passes out. Luckily, our women are gentle.

♥ Mother Russia invented percussion when we went to war with Nazi Germany. Our snare drummers carry extra magazines for solos.

♥in Mother Russia, you always had to be on guard. Arm bar is like handshake, and if the elbow breaks, it just means that someone likes you a little more than usual.

♥ I remember meeting my babushka, grandmother to you, and she told me, when you fall in love with young lady, or man as is becoming more popular, you have to be careful with heart. She said she had heart broken when she was in the service. Ever since then, I've made sure to carry around charcoal tablets just in case girlfriend slips strychnine in Valentine's present.

♥ Which leads me to old saying from old country. Russian woman in bed is like mortar grenade. It is best to lie down on and take hit for the mission, than to leave it armed and unnoticed.

♥ That's how my ded, or grandfather, met my babushka. She was friend of friend, and he decided to take hit for comrade. She put him in ankle lock, shattered knee, and they married in July.

♥ Lovely story, makes my babushka cry every time she tell it. Make ded laugh, as he says, she didn't shatter knee but just aggravated old war wound. But they still have xrays on fire place.

♥ I was small boy when I was younger, but my ochets, that is father to you, was worried, always worried. When I reached fourteen, I was dwarf compared to mine brother, Sacha. So, my ochets took me to see ded, and asked for potion from the old country to make boy into man. So, ded gave me thimble full of clear liquid, and told me to hold on tongue for 22 seconds and swallow. Now, as I hold liquid on tongue, my eyes start to water, and when he finally say I can swallow, my chest bursts into flame that they have to put out with snow from outside. My ochets turns and asks what was in potion, and my ded says, "Was vodka from when my ded was a boy. Distilled in Siberian winter of 1797."

♥ The next day, after I regain consciousness, I wake up 3 feet taller with slight mustache, and deeper voice. So, mine sister, she sees and asks mama, that is mother to you, for thimble full of potion as well. Mama replies, "Vodka turns boy into man, milaya. Puts hair on chest. For women, it puts hair other places, and you are not old enough. Now, go play." Father laughs and we eat supper.

♥ I find it crazy that in United States, you can have car chase with police. Everyone is so afraid to stop driver. In Russia, we have method to stop car chase. We call it sniper rifle.