Communication, people!

"Everyone, just try to be the best people you can be. Try to be understanding, try to be kindhearted even if someone is being mean, and make sure that you communicate openly. I repeat: MAKE SURE THAT YOU COMMUNICATE OPENLY. Be the better person--work to resolve your problems with other people. Don't just cover them up ...with insults. ♥ Go out there and do your best!"

This is a quote from my recent facebook status. Now, I won't go into details about what spawned this status--as it is a private matter between a friend of mine and I--but it made me really start to think about how people communicate with each other, which is an optimistic way of saying that people don't.

With all types of relationships--friendships, romantic involvement, business-related relationships, etc.--it makes things a lot easier to have a policy of open communication. It's possible to establish this by doing three things:

1. Communicating with yourself.

2. Communicating with others.

3. Being COMPLETELY honest about what numbers 1 and 2 actually mean, and deciding how to proceed with whatever situation there is from there.

I can honestly say that for some people, this is easier said than done. I realize that there are a lot of people who can't help some bad habits they have even if they try hard to break them, that some people have gone through a lot of situations that have left them feeling pessimistic/bitter/not sure about how to respond to other people, etc. Depending on what sort of background you have, even doing those three simple things can be a daunting task. What's important is that you look at what you've been given in a particular situation, and apply the three steps above the best way you can.

While I would like to say that this is good "romantic relationship" advice, I can't; this is advice for dealing with people. I can't stress how important it is to remember that no matter what your connection is to any other person, it is indeed a relationship of some kind. Even if you're just speaking about some homeless man on the street, you share a relationship with that person as strangers. It is for this reason that Karma exists, if you choose to believe in it--you can't just go around treating people as though they are less than people. And anyone reading this would do well to remember that when communicating with other people.

I can't tell you how many times I've been asked by friends for advice on how to approach someone on a "tender subject" of conversation. Follow the three steps above, and I assure you that you will have a definite answer as to what to do as your next plan of action. You may not like what you have to do, but you will know what you should. Whether or not you choose to actually commit yourself to that course of action is up to you.

Of course, there are all sorts of nuances you have to deal with concerning any of those steps. When communicating with yourself, you need to be honest about what your standards are from any given situation, what result you want the situation to have, what you will and aren't willing to tolerate from the people involved, and your course of action if either case occurs.

You need to know yourself very well as a person to answer all of the above, so if you don't have the answers for all of those sections, it's fine. This is something you learn as you meet people and proceed with different situations in life. Most people don't know what their standards really are for specific situations until they go through them. Some people think they know what their standards are, but when put into a situation, they change their minds. It's all about experience, and know what you're really capable of tolerating. Some people take on too much and others too little. You have to find balance.

When communicating with others, things get even more complicated. You should wait until you're calm enough to broach a subject with the other person to do it. If you know you're going to get upset, then you need to either relay to the other person that even though you might be upset, you still want to resolve the issue. That means that you're going to need to try your hardest to respectfully describe your feelings or position. If you feel that you're going to get so angry that you're going to lose sight of being respectful, then leave and let the other person know you want to speak later. This can be adjusted for similar but not identical situations.

Don't cover up how you feel for any reason. Whatever compromise you reach with another person won't be acceptable if they don't know all of the terms involved with the discussion. Even if it might hurt the other person's feelings, you have to be honest. That's the core of good communication: honesty. If you can't be honest with the person you're speaking to, then perhaps you should rethink whether or not you should be in such an involved relationship with that person in the first place.

Also, don't forget how the other person feels while all of this is going. While your feelings are important, there are two sides to every story, and it's always possible that they're feeling the same way, or that they're suffering from some issues that are causing the problem that you may have with them in the first place. Even if you're upset at another person, they still indeed are a person, so if you can't speak with them respectfully, then don't speak with them until you're ready.

Believe it or not, it's not always a good them to express how you feel exactly when you feel it. It's better to wait until after, when you've gone through a bit more of your day, done other things, and then contemplate whether or not it's a problem worth bringing up. Perhaps you were just overreacting? Maybe the other person didn't offend you on purpose. Maybe the other person was having a bad day, etc. You are the best person to decide the best action to take, but only when you're in your best state of mind. All angry words will get you is an argument and more misunderstanding.

If the other person gets angry in a discussion, don't let it turn into an argument. Either continue to speak calmly, or take a raincheck for later. The point of bringing a problem to someone's attention is to discuss it. If one person's not listening to what's being said, then it's no longer a discussion, and your points aren't being noted. Any real friend would at least listen to what's being said, regardless as to whether or not they agree with them. A sign of a good friend is definitely being able to tolerate different opinions and stances on issues. It's very important.

As long as you're honest with yourself about what you want, what you feel like saying and what you want to do--and you apply these in tactful ways--communication will become more and more easy. The key here is honesty with both yourself and the other person. Take the above steps and all of the inner thinking that goes with it, and a lot of your decisions will become more clear. Many of the decisions we make are weighed down with doubts and "maybes" and "what ifs" but you have to ultimately deal with what's in front of you, and it's not common that you'll be able to make the same decision twice. Make the choice that will make you happy. If you're not happy, how can you help anyone else feel the same?